Doing things with pain
a few days ago i had for the first time since i was 17, the genuine desire to cut myself. it’s actually really embarassing to me that i only tried a handful of times at that age before quitting when it just made me itchy.
regardless ive had likely thousands of invasive visions of my body parts lobbed off in various ways since around that age (i believe). the fantasy of my own evisceration has helped me stave off the intolerable feeling of being me, being esther.
when i get that urge for my body to be vandalized, i want transformation. i want my pain to be the pain that prefigures the death of my old self into a new self.
my old pain, i thought you had gone and yet you tell me that i had only escaped the problem for the time being. you’re here to collect what’s yours. i reincarnated once as if the old me was not herself a reincarnation of something else.
